Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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