Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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