Pants 0. Shit 1.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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