i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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