I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
