my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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