drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
