dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
