So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
