porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
