I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
