Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
