The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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