i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
