I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
