I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize