just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
