wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
