I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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