He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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