Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
