I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Every concussion has its silver lining
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
