I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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