Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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