Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
