Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
