i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
