went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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