Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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