He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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