Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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