You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
