mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
