So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
