i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
