living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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