ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
