just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
