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My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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