don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
