I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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