I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
