I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
