Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
