We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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