dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
