Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
