Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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