You're completely useless in the revolution.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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