I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
