were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just want nice things and good sex
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
