careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
