Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You're like the curious george of whores
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
