if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
